The Mishaps Of The Harry Potter Movies
by Psyprass
Summary: When the school of Hogwarts attends an excursion to an exclusive screening of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone", what do they think of it? Contains some light poking of fun at the movie.


It was an unusually hot summers day in the city of London, and the sleepy country was in the middle of the longest recorded drought. The students of Hogwarts were chattering excitedly as they crowded in the cinema foyer near the snack bar, headed by the staff, teachers and Order. They were all, some apprehensively, anticipating two movies they had rented the building to see – the Muggle version of Harry Potter – The Philosophers Stone and the Chamber of Secrets. When Dumbledore had gotten wind that the first two movies had been released on such a topic, he had been highly amused, and organized a whole-school excursion to see how they would have cultivated the storyline, action and most interestingly, the characters.

Harry was chatting animatedly to Ron and Hermione, who were torn between humor and foreboding.

"It's almost shocking how far these Muggles will go to drag up the ratings of a story," Ron said, shaking his head. "I mean, they probably just grabbed any old actor and shoved him onset. How the heck will they pull off a game of Quidditch?"

"Ron," Hermione retorted exasperatedly. "They don't just grab _any _old actor off the street. The directors have to watch hundreds of auditions for one character and then decide who would best fit the part. And as for the Quidditch," she added as-a-matter-of-factly, "Muggles do have a thing called computer graphics."

Harry could tell from the look on Ron's face that he had no idea what computer graphics were, but he didn't bother to tell him; it wasn't like he had a clear definition himself.

"And these Muggle sweets!" Ron carried on, as though he had given no inkling that he had heard Hermione at all. "They're so weird! I mean, why is this thing called a _Mars Bar_? I've never seen anything that looks less like Mars. And this Dr Pepper is the most revolting drink I have had! And _this_!" He brandished a packet of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, featuring what appeared to be Harry catching the Snitch on his Firebolt. "This is plagiarism! Muggles don't own this! It's a magical product! Not to mention that there are only about eight flavors in the entire packet!"

Harry and Hermione exchanged significant glances. Both had been brought up in the Muggle world, and so neither needed informing of the sweets sold in the local shops. Ron simply needed to understand that Muggle candy was not bad because it was different, even if it was non-magical and ultimately boring. An ordinary boy would probably say the same things as Ron about wizarding food.

"I wonder who they casted Malfoy as in the movie." Harry chortled, changing the subject.

A wry grin spread across Ron's freckled face. "Betcha anything it's a troll. But then again, a troll would look simply too ravishing for Malfoy's liking."

The three lapsed into laughter as they threw glances over at the Slytherins.

"How about Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry mused, looking over at the two mountains flanking their "master", Draco.

"Maybe they just painted faces on rocks and stuck them there next to Malfoy's actor, it's not like they do anything else other than stand there." Ron pointed out, shaking with mirth.

"I'd like to see who they casted… You-Know-Who… as." Hermione said quietly. Ron and Harry stopped laughing and turned to look at her, the concept suddenly dawning on them as well.

"Well – I'm the only one in the entire school – that is excluding the teachers of course – who's ever seen him," Harry said. "He probably looks… real snake like and—"

He paused mid-sentence, his scar throbbing painfully. He automatically slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Harry… what's wrong?" Ron asked fearfully. "It isn't… You-Know-Who again, is it?"

"Yeah," Harry murmured, trying not to sound too concerned. "It's probably nothing. He's probably just having a mood swing or something." But even as he said this, the pain was steadily growing stronger, almost like he was drawing closer. Hermione was either a mind reader, or could read the expression on his face that he was trying to hide because she frowned and replied, "He couldn't be in close proximity to us, though. There could be no way he would know where we are… and Dumbledore's with us."

As she said this, a strange buzzing seemed to fill the noisy hall, and for some reason silence fell so rapidly it was quite alarming. It was almost as though everyone in the area could sense something wrong. Harry instinctively whipped his head towards the doors. And then-

CRASH!

A shattering sound split the air with a deafening crash. Thousands of glass shards from the high window above rained down upon the heads of students like diamonds, and screams began to fly from the panicky crowd. A dark figure seemed to fly at him in slow motion, with frighteningly familiar red eyes and slits for pupils. Harry's scar exploded with searing pain.

Through heavily watering eyes, he caught a glimpse of the face he feared the most - that white-waxed skin, the lipless mouth, the snake-like nose, those soulless eyes…

"V-Voldemort." he heard himself utter, although it was a voice that was not his own.

"Your memory is as great as your foolishness, which is something that never ceases to amaze me." sneered a cold, high-pitched voice. Harry forced himself to look away from the sinister face to see a group of masked Death Eaters invading the foyer through the doors, and through the unchecked fright of the students could make out the eyes of Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange.

"My loyal Death Eaters!" Voldemort announced, and every Dark Wizard stood rapt with attention before their master. "It is time to finally witness what the Muggles have made of Lord Voldemort in their films! And…" His sneer became more and more pronounced with every word, "If they make a foolish impersonation, well… we shall deal with them ourselves, shall we?"

Harry leapt to his feet. "You can't!"

The Death Eaters roared with laughter at his feeble defense. Voldemort's glittering eyes met his, and his scar stabbed with pain.

"I would calm yourself, Harry Potter. I have not come to kill you – this time. I have merely come for a taste of Muggle entertainment, revolting and low as it is, to see this movie they have made of the wizarding world. I am not in the least bit surprised to see any of you here, for your tiny brains are easily satisfied with such idiocy."

Harry replied with the dirtiest glare he could muster. Voldemort surveyed him with the air of a child growing bored with an old toy, and turned away.

"I grow tired of waiting out here with these scum. Come, servants, into the cinema."

He and the Death Eaters swept wordlessly past the Hogwarts students into the dark room. Dumbledore cleared his throat to attract everyone's attention. He did not appear shaken from the incident; quite on the contrary, his face imposed a look of complete serenity.

"Would everyone kindly follow me into the cinema?" And with that, he began to make his way to the doorway.

Everyone else looked highly reluctant, some still hysterical. But, realizing that Voldemort would attempt nothing with Dumbledore in the province, they pursued slowly.

Inside was dark, as the advertisements were playing. Ron, Hermione and Harry settled themselves in the back row near Dumbledore, which was lucky – almost everyone wanted to sit near the Headmaster in the hopes of enforced safety. Snape peered at them from two seats over, and his lip curled; apparently sitting within five metres of Harry was a thing of pure disgust to him.

After a few minutes, Hermione whispered, "Ssssh! It's starting!", even though neither Ron or Harry had said anything since they had entered the cinema.

The film commenced with Dumbledore striding down the street, producing the Put-Outer and sending the street into darkness. Harry heard his Headmaster give a small chuckle at this. Down at the front of the cinema, Voldemort let out a huge laugh. McGonnagal had not said anything when her character had appeared, but Harry could understand why – they looked almost identical, so she was either satisfied or very taken aback. Hagrid, however, appeared to have jumped four feet into the air when he saw his character.

"I'm not tha' short!" he whispered hoarsely. "Blimey, you'd think I was only six fee' tall there!"

When Daniel Radcliffe's face showed up, Harry could not help but notice that his eyes were brown, not green, and his nose was slightly smaller. Most noticeable of all was his hair - it was actually neat and looked well groomed, even when he had jumped out of bed in the second scene.

He didn't know whether to take Dudley's actor as a joke or not.

"You've seen Dudely before, haven't you?" he muttered to Ron, who grinned.

"Yeah, I know. Your cousin looks like one of those giant balloons Muggles stick over their shops, but that boy's hardly even pudgy." Ron replied scathingly.

"And he's blonde as well, so is my aunt. But those actors are brunettes." Harry murmured.

He wondered vaguely whether the director had known anything about the Dursley's, or if Ron really was right – if they actually had dragged people off the street for the movies. Was it just him, or did the Dursley's seem somewhat fairer to him in the movie?

It dragged on. Harry and Ron exchanged amused looks when Snape cursed loudly and muttered something about his actor looking as though he was in his early sixties.

"My hair is _not _chin length," he snarled.

"Nor does it curl up all poofy-like at the end. And Alan Rickman's nose is too small." Hermione giggled.

Pansy Parkinson shrieked out loudly when Emma Watson came on, "Hey, where's the rat molars? This person looks like a supermodel compared to the real thing!"

Hermione, Harry and Ron then pelted her with several empty Coke bottles. Snape leant forward, clearly hoping to tell them off, but Dumbledore conveniently engaged him in conversation, forcing him to abandon his attempt. Harry caught the faintest glimmer of a wink in the flickering film light, and he grinned in relief.

Harry rather thought that Rupert Grint looked nothing much like Ron. For one thing, Ron had a long nose and was tall and gangly, while Grint was none of these, possessing only the similar traits of red hair and freckles.

Several people gasped and turned to look at him when Daniel Radcliffe unwrapped the invisibility cloak at Christmas time – the movie had uncovered his secret. Filch let out a triumphant cry of "HA! I KNEW IT WAS A STUDENT!" when the midnight-stroll-in-the-library-scene-and-nearly-getting-caught scene appeared, and Harry suddenly felt very uncomfortable. This movie was revealing all of his wrongdoings and the things he wanted to keep from everyone; he knew students would be interrogating him afterwards, and was surely glad Reeta Skeeter wasn't here. But as he watched the movie, a familiar-looking beetle with an odd pattern on the shell buzzed past the screen, glowing in the light. A huge jolt yanked at itself in Harry's stomach.

"Ron! The Skeeter woman's here!" he told his friend a little too loudly. Parvati Patil turned around and looked at him strangely, and then focused her attention back to the huge screen.

"What?" Ron looked around for the heavily jawed, jewel-rimmed spectacled face.

"She's flying around as a bug!"

Ron cursed.

"She can't know about any of this, or she's bound to write about it!" he said, biting his lip.

Before he could stop himself, Harry was on his feet.

"STOP THE MOVIE!" he yelled. "AND LOOK FOR A BUG!"

Of course, that was not what he did, however. He stayed in his seat, wondering dully what Skeeter would cook up for the press this time.

_POTTER'S PERVERSE PAST _would probably be accurate. He cheered up a little when the Quidditch scene came on. It was probably the most accurately done aspect in the movie, other than the fact that a lot of people seemed to be getting knocked off their brooms with no penalties.

Ron snorted when Rupert Grint, Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe tackled McGonnagal's giant chess set.

"I wasn't _riding _the knight, I was taking its place in the square," he said incredulously. "And they made it all stupid!"

Harry privately agreed. Instead of having Rupert take the knight piece's place on the chessboard so he could play, he had simply hopped onto its back. It was also a little melodramatic – when the Queen approached Grint to knock him off the board, he looked terrified and as though he were going to die, despite the fact that the opposing chess piece could not have harmed him anyway as he was sitting on the back of the knight. As well as this when the Queen smashed the knight's head – several feet away from Grint – he fell off, apparently out-cold, while Radcliffe and Watson screamed in horror. He sniggered, unimpressed and humored at the same time. The things Muggles did to avoid violence was shocking to him.

Snape cursed once more as his obstruction to protect the Philosophers Stone, a room full of bottled substances and a riddle, was cut out. The room with the troll was also absent – Harry guessed that more than one evil troll in the movie would frighten little kiddies too much.

When the final showdown arrived in the movie between Radcliffe and Quirrel, Harry found it a little far from the truth. Yes, Quirrell had been defeated, but he didn't make his face and hand crumble into a mountain of crumbling sand. Voldemort, apparently, had been so disgusted with this portrayal that he hissed loudly, fired a blast from his wand at the movie screen before the film had finished and vanished with a swirl of his cloak. Moments later, the Death Eaters Apparated after him.

Harry gazed at the shattered screen, somewhat relieved that he didn't have to watch any more of it. To him, it seemed a little patronizing of the true events that happened. To make matters worse, he knew that when they were out of the cinema, students would be questioning him intensely.

"Well, that movie was stupid," Ron snapped as he Harry and Hermione entered the light of the cinema foyer. "It was so fake."

"Ron," Hermione said, exasperated. "The Muggles tried their best, it's not as though they could understand the world we live in perfectly—"

"Hey Potter! Love the cloak!" Malfoy called from some distance away, sneering. "It would look so great in the hands of the Minister when he confiscates it!"

"Harry! Did you really do that to Quirrel? That was so amazing!" Parvati Patil exclaimed with admiration.

"Yes, it was very good." Luna Lovegood said dreamily as she drifted past.

More to get away from everyone than anything, Harry moved to an isolated corner of the room with his two friends.

"Right now the only place I want to be is in my dormitory away from the rest of the school." Harry muttered furiously.

"Don't worry Harry, they'll probably forget about it within a week." Hermione assured him.

Ron snorted. "That movie must be the source of all evils in this world. That really put me off Muggle media. I swear, if I see that movie again, I'm going to retch." He paused, and looked at them fearfully. "D'you think… that they're going to make a sequel?"

Hermione bit her lip. She knew the truth.

All of a sudden, she gasped in horror as a shadow loomed over Ron from behind. She began stuttering indistinctly, beads of sweat appearing on her face. Harry gulped hard.

Ron frowned. "What? What's behind me?"

Hermione just shook her head.

"D – Don't turn around, Ron. Whatever you do." murmured Harry, his eyes fixed on something behind his best friend.

But it was too late. Ron had turned around. And to his immense horror, he saw the thing he had feared so much. A man was standing behind him, positioning a huge poster on the wall that displayed a picture of Grint, Radcliffe and Watson in different stances of varying apprehension, with the text: "HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS" nearly jumping out at them.

They all screamed.


End file.
